I was rejected a couple weeks ago for a “variety of reasons”. Ouch. You could have stopped at one reason, that’s sufficient. But just in case I was inclined to push back – there are MANY reasons. Many reasons that I am unsuitable company. It was an honest and kind rejection, which I do appreciate, even if it didn’t lessen the burn.
As I struggled to keep myself from spiraling into a dark place mentally listing all my ineptitudes, I began to examine rejection and acceptance at a deeper level. We are constantly accepting or rejecting people, ideas, groups, systems, labels, and causes. I rejected my partner when we split up recently. When I tearfully returned our foster dog this morning, I rejected him. Yet I also accepted and approved them both for the time we were together.
Acceptance and rejection are temporal. This is why teenage boys break up with their girlfriends when they get their hair cut short; or why the prior nerd has to beat the ladies off with a stick when he comes back from summer break with a confident swagger and 20-inch biceps.
We are all constantly changing. What we want, need, and desire changes too.
Yet it still hurts to misalign, to put ourselves out there and get a “no, thank you”. If we can find the lesson in it, the rejection is telling us that we are misaligned. Rejection is just helping us find our way to the path of authentic YES. In light of this, I’m grateful for the quick, kind, yet firm rejection. It allowed me to eliminate that path, and to continue to clarify for myself what my authentic path looks like.
Authenticity is not for the faint of heart.
As I get older and become more and more bold with my deepest voice, I dwell more in receiving and giving rejection than I ever considered. I’ve spent the last seven years eliminating things that don’t align with what I need, where I’m trying to go, or dare I say it…what brings me joy. If I’m honest, most of the time I’m settling and hoping that a maybe gradually turns into a yes.
I’m tired of fucking settling. I’m tired of making allowances, being flexible, being patient, trying things because they are the things that are available. I am not someone who is satisfied with grazing the surface. I want the gut-wrenching work that transforms us. And if I have to machete through a fucking jungle of NO’s to get there – so be it.
I’m exhausted from feeling guilty, or that I SHOULD feel a different way than I do. I am a lot to take, I get it. I have torn myself down to the quick, I am raw, desperate, and vulnerable. But don’t think this means I am willing to accept anything. Quite the opposite. Eventually, those who understand my angst, my degree of being fed-up, my choice to finally, for once, be LOUD, will find me.
Quinn Steele 