My biggest fear is that I’ll never find you. I have lived with the hole created by the lack of you most of my life. I am not even sure you exist anymore. I get by on slivers of hope, floating in an endless sea of disappointment. I am not unhappy, quite the contrary. I am content within myself; I sing, dance, exercise daily, eat healthy foods, laugh with my kids, and enjoy the small wonders in life. I am at peace inside.
Yet when I venture out into the world, be it digital or physical – I don’t find you. I find small moments of pleasure, of connection – a smile, a pleasant exchange – and these are not nothing. They are special moments, but they are surface and fleeting, and don’t require much of either of us. I’m sick to death of things that don’t require much, of the immediate path, of small talk, and moving at a palatable and comfortable pace for the sake of others.
I want to be disturbed, to be shaken from my comfort by your honesty. I want to be stirred and inspired. I want to stir, disturb, and inspire. I want to find others who are willing to do the grueling, yet rewarding work of becoming who they truly are, not something expected, not something palatable to others – just their real, raw, true selves.
I want to go beyond the immediacy that is readily available to us, to create and build things that endure, that honor and uphold the laws of nature – of our animal selves and our belonging in the context of the natural world. I’m not looking for a quick fix, I’m looking for connection that is born from doing difficult, satisfying work together. I’m looking for those who can stomach the dark underbelly of themselves as well as the brightest light, and who can find laughter through it all.
Life is meant to be LIVED, not simply endured. We must tear ourselves open so that all the goodies can spill out. I want the kind of beauty that disturbs the comfortable and comforts the disturbed. Let us be disturbed together.
Quinn Steele 