This one is a difficult one for me to share, which is how I know it’s important. To some, it will seem silly and trivial. Many of you will judge me, which is always a risk when I share something personal. And yet…there may be one person out there that needs to hear this, who needs to know that someone else is out there here battling self-doubt too, and who is still showing up. I write this for you, wherever and whomever you are. I show up, in part, because of you.
Yesterday, I went to pick up five items at the grocery store. Despite some very well-meaning and logic people’s urging, I still do not tally the totals in my head. It’s not that I don’t understand why one would do this, or how useful it is to arrive at the checkout with a figure at the ready – I get it. It makes perfect sense.
There are two reason I don’t do this:
1) I’m poor at math calculations in my head, especially when computing multiple numbers at once. 2+4 = yes, sure I can do this in my head. 2+4+8+11+19? I can eventually work it out, but it’s taxing and I will most certainly question if my answer is correct and need to figure it at least 3-4 times to feel certain that I have the correct answer. In the third grade, we had “math bees” and nothing in my entire school career ever made me more nervous or anxious. I loathed everything about it: being put on the spot, the pin-drop silence while I stood there, trying to figure it out, the pressure of being expected to perform like a trained monkey.
2) I choose to trust and let go. This may sound foolhardy to you, why not just validate the correct total for myself? This is my hard-earned money we’re talking about. What idiot would trust some random stranger? Me. I would, and I do. This is a very intentional and important choice for me. I choose not to go through life with a keen eye on who is trying to get over on me. I choose to believe that people will choose to do the right thing more often than not. It’s not because I believe bad things won’t happen, it’s because I choose to put more time and energy into trust and letting go.
So, as you probably guessed, I get to the checkout line and hear the total. I know it’s incorrect, at least, most of me does. It’s way too much for these five items. And yet…I doubt myself. I think, “don’t make a fuss, it’s not that big of a deal”, “you probably didn’t look at the price of something correctly, you’ll just embarrass yourself if you speak up”. So, I didn’t. I let the self-doubt win, paid and walked out.
I was too embarrassed to look at the receipt until I got to the car (this is how apologetic I can be for my existence at times). I got in the car, set my bag down and there it was – I was charged $27 for my $3 bottle of wine.
I was walking back inside before I had time to question myself or notice the waves of anxiety. I walked up behind the cashier, interrupting the line, and calmly explained what happened. I didn’t even apologize (which I would have done a year ago). She was apologetic, kind, and understanding. I wasn’t shamed or treated with annoyance, as I feared I might have been. She was kind, and she corrected it right away.
I realize that to many, this is all very obvious. Something isn’t right, you speak up. But this is a very difficult thing for me to do, especially when it may inconvenience or upset someone else. In the past, I just swallow it, chalk it up to life isn’t fair, and get on with my life.
A year ago, I would have driven off, knowing that I paid an extra $27 dollars (more than the correct total of my entire purchase), and I would have sent yet another message out to the universe that my voice wasn’t worthy.
This week, I took one small action to allow my voice to be heard, even when I was afraid. I took the risk of being annoying or inconvenient, to stand up for myself.
Maybe I’ll find a way to ballpark my purchases next time, but despite this occurrence, I still choose to trust. I still choose to believe and encourage the best in others. I choose to live on the side of optimism, to give my energy to lifting others up.
This allows me to live and give freely, and that is worth it to me…just maybe not $27 of wine worth it …cheers to progress!
Quinn Steele 