Quinn Steele

How much do we sacrifice for what we want? There’s always a cost. Freedom is multi-faceted, there isn’t one path, and there is no final destination. We prioritize for comfort, security, love, and survival.

Do you give up or bend your values in exchange for employment? What do you exchange for love, acceptance, or inclusion? What do you offer that others consider valuable? Do you give your silence, time, attention, body, praise, loyalty, or money? How much is too much? Do you notice when you’ve given more than you should and things are out of balance? When do generosity, flexibility, reliability, responsibility, and understanding become self-deprecating?

Only you know the answers and can decide where your boundaries are. They will always ask more of you, the requests will never stop. There is a long line out there ready to beat down your door, but can you hear what’s within?

In 2017, my prioritization and loose boundaries caught up with me – I was drowning. I had panic attacks daily on the way to work, prior to that I didn’t even know what panic attacks were. I felt like a tiger trapped in a cage, pacing, filled with rage, ready to strike at any moment. When I worked out, I fantasized about throwing a dumbbell into the mirrored wall and watching it shatter. I wanted to shatter my life, to burst from my cage and run free.

I’d gone too long being flexible, agreeable, responsible, and reliable. My daily life didn’t align with the values that were most important to me, and the pain of that disparity was crippling me. It felt urgent. I needed my children to know what my values were, to serve as a better example. I needed more time with them, more time and ability to hear myself.

All I could do at the time was tear everything down. I had to start with what wasn’t working. I kicked the walls of the cage down and began rebuilding from scratch. I got divorced, quit my job, and another job rapidly after that. I found and let go of a great love. I repositioned myself at the center of my children’s world, no more sitters – just us. I fought for myself and my relationships with the kids. I cried, ate too much cake, cried, listened to self-guided meditations, cried, took the Harvard course on happiness, wrote dark poetry, and lay on the kitchen floor for hours in the dark…and cried some more.

I was miserable for a long time, but I got up every day and faced the music. It was messy, but it was real. I made mistakes, lots of them, but I was determined to rebuild my life on the foundation of my core values. I repaired my relationship with my son. I deepened my relationship with my daughter. I learned how to treat myself with more tenderness. I began to hear myself again. I made tough decisions and was accountable for what followed. I created a life that aligns, more often than not, with my core values.

I still find it difficult to find the balance of getting what I need and not giving up too much. It never lets up, the line outside your door never ceases. They all want something from you, and they will take it if you look away for even a second. I don’t yet trust myself to choose a partner who is able to both love me and allow me to be free. I don’t yet trust myself to honor and defend my freedom in the context of a close, intimate relationship.

There is significantly less disparity between my values and my choices these days. Most days, I feel pretty damn good. I still make loads of mistakes, but I am getting better at being gentle and patient with myself. I can rest without guilt, most of the time.

Today, the price is manageable and I’m grateful for that.

Can you hear yourself, or are you giving up too much?