Insider’s Look examines the inspiration for poems written in my Bleed with Me series. I wrote these poems during a period of transformation. It was the first phase of breaking free from the chains that bound me – career, a marriage that was no longer a partnership, a loose definition of my role as a mother, and a past that still haunted me.
The Secret to Business
nothing ever happens here
dueling whispers in my ear
in on it they smile and shake
now join the meeting, don’t be late
things are overrated, dear
come inside now, have no fear
let’s talk of things – hash them out
endless words
the final clout
I’ve been quite successful in my career. The workforce was a welcome respite after fumbling through two years of university life, which did not at all suit me. In the world of business, there was constant activity. Things needed to get done…at least, someone thought so. Sell, pack, ship, serve, improve, analyze, innovate, create – all action words, my favorite! I jumped into the action and immediately found a home.
But alas, we humans overcomplicate everything. It can’t just be a goal with clear actions. On top of that, we must add layers of hierarchy, politics, extraneous roles and processes, and lots of bells and whistles. How we love the bells and whistles!
There’s no real hidden meaning in this poem. I was sick to death of talking. I’ve never been much of a talker; I’m more of an observer. Perhaps I came by this naturally, never being able to get a word in edgewise with my mother. Most often, I feel bullied by conversation, by others endless need to be heard. In the workplace, the talking is incessant – oppressive. Meetings upon meetings to discuss the same.fucking.thing.
On top of working in an environment where discussion reigned, there was the undercurrent of condescension should you happen to be a female. All the worse if you were an attractive female. As a female, you couldn’t possibly understand why these pissing contests were important, and you were most definitely being emotional. No matter how you behaved, you were being emotional. So what if everyone wanted you on their team, so what if you delivered more than 3 full-time employees put together. Still – you were a hysterical female, who clearly doesn’t understand the workings of business, or anything.
When I wrote this, I often felt that I was drowning. At work, I was drowning in words and futile tasks that led nowhere. At home, I was drowning in loneliness, and resentment that I was being edged out of the family, that my voice as a parent was nothing but a whisper. Inside, I was drowning under a mountain of unrealistic expectations; ones I could never live up to.
I felt that there was no end, that I would just go on forever, barely treading water. I was ineffective, and I wasn’t listening to my deepest truths, the ones screaming for freedom.
I hated the smug way these pompous idiots at work thought that everyone wanted what they had. They were the biggest puppets of all. The higher up they were, the less their time was their own. I never wanted what they had. I never wanted to sell out, to hand over my will to a wasteful, greedy, ineffective machine. I knew the secrets to business. The secrets were to navigate around these idiotic cave men & women who coveted power, money, and control and try to get things done anyway.
But they will never see it. They think we are the students, and they the revered teachers. I wonder who of us is more content, more at ease. I wonder who sleeps soundly, and who rarely sleeps at all. I wonder how their precious secrets are paying off.
Oh, and I’m going to need those TPS reports ASAP. *wink*
Quinn Steele 